Where do we go from here?

Written 2/4/22

Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve written. A lot has happened but also nothing. So we had a miscarriage, what’s next? Well, for those in the infertility world, it’s not as easy as “okay, now you’re good to try again at home!” It’s surgery after surgery, waiting after waiting, bloodwork after bloodwork, vaginal ultrasounds (so. many. of. these), more bloodwork, another surgery, more waiting…….need I say more?

So here we are, 4.5 months post-miscarriage and still have no idea when we will be able to start the IVF transfer protocol again. I feel so defeated. I feel as if I’m failing as a woman. As a wife. As a called to be momma.

My first nephew just turned 3. My new nephew just hit the 3 month mark. I love them so much but it only makes my desire to be a momma grow stronger. Which helps but also hurts. It’s so hard to explain. As I watch these sweet babies hit milestones, I can’t help but think why can’t I carry a full term, happy, healthy baby?!

With each negative fleeting (sometimes not fleeting) thought, I can’t help but to wonder if each negative thought is keeping God from giving me what I long for so bad? Is it being pushed back because I’m not happy where I am in life right now? At least as far as being a parent goes. Is it being pushed back because I occasionally complain about people “accidentally” getting pregnant? I don’t ever think God punishes us for anything but it’s always a thought I think many of us have had at least once in our life. I mean we were literally taught in school that every action has a reaction.

I told a friend recently that it’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be sad. Sit in those feelings. Break some things. Do whatever helps those feelings ESCAPE, just don’t sit in them. So that’s what I’m doing. As soon as this snow melts, I’m headed to get some cheap dishes from dollar tree, a thick table cloth, and I’m going to break some things.

Thanks for reading and always supporting. I wish I had more of a happy update for you guys! I will say that while this 4+ month break was definitely not wanted, it might have been needed. To reset. To work on our marriage being more than just schedules, talking about IVF finances, and discussions on how to have a baby. To travel. To invest in my friends. To love on my family. And to grow in my career.

Maybe next time, I can update with at least what we know is next.

For now, please pray that this next surgery goes well. I have high anxiety about this one since my last one was so scary. Pray for the doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, and anyone else who may have their hands on me that day. Pray for my body to be healed of infertility. Pray for our babies that are waiting to be transferred. Pray for a full term, happy, healthy baby and safe delivery. Because that day is coming and I pray it’s right around the corner.

How can I pray for you today?

**editing to say, another blog post is coming real soon. 4/17 was our due date and I want to write a letter to my baby. Please pray for us as we remember/celebrate Easter and what could’ve been our sweet baby’s birthday. Stay tuned**