As Staind sang, it’s been a while…

Long time, no writing. It’s been a whirlwind the past few months. 

Since my last update, we’ve been through two more transfers and another miscarriage. I keep saying this but I never EVER thought I’d have to go through this physical and mental heartbreak. We are exhausted. I AM EXHAUSTED. My body has been through a LOT. My mind and heart have been through even more. And at this point, Jason and I just aren’t so sure I can keep putting myself and my body through this. 

Reality check – I’m now on an anti-depressant AND anti-anxiety medication due to PTSD. Yes, you read that right! I have PTSD from miscarriages. I have so much anxiety that’s been brought out from YEARS of infertility. YEARS of IVF cycles. YEARS of injections every night. MULTIPLE miscarriages, several times seeing clots of blood on the bathroom floor as I try to wipe it up smearing it everywhere, four surgeries, hundreds of blood draws. FIVE transfers (Four girls, One boy). THREE miscarriages (two girls, one boy). And so much more. I’ve just had enough. Jason has had enough.

If you are friends with me, you probably know what’s coming next. We’ve prayed. We’ve asked for prayers. We’ve prayed some more. We’ve sat down and written out plan after plan – what could be, what couldn’t be, what could happen, what our options are, etc. We have four little embryos left and we’ve decided to give those four babies the BEST opportunity to stick around so we can hear their little cries earthside via surrogacy. 

Just a little lesson on surrogacy for those who don’t know too much about it (don’t worry, I didn’t either) and I’m still learning as I go. So you have traditional surrogacy (the surrogate is the egg donor and you go through artificial insemination with husband’s sperm to fertilize – random fact, this is illegal in several states) and gestational surrogacy (where the egg/sperm are both mom’s/dad’s and 100% genetically theirs). I might do a separate post later on all things surrogacy.

Anyways, we will be going through gestational surrogacy with our embryos so you may hear me reference a GC often. Which brings me to my next point – we have an amazing person who is going to be our GC and she has a heart of gold to want to do this for us! Eventually I’ll share that story on how it all came about but for now, this is all you get 😉 

Right now, I’m asking for your prayers. Specifically for Jason’s and my heart. That God will provide every single need whether physically, mentally, or financially. And that our GC’s body, heart, and mind are ready for this. 

We still have a LOT to get through – medical clearance, psych clearance, and legal clearance but HE. WILL. PROVIDE. all needs. 

And boy has He so far…