down but not out

in the six months since I’ve written, a lot has happened. recapping from the last post, our 6th transfer failed (the first with our surrogate) possibly due to an embryo problem and possibly due to a subchorionic hematoma.

august 28, 2024 – we transferred the most perfect embryo. we kept saying this was the “little embryo that could” so we named it, Thomas. again, everything leading up to the transfer was perfect! Our carrier’s lining was thicccc and trilaminar. Her progesterone and estrogen levels were perfect.

we got to the transfer so excited. and again, our nurses, embryologist, doctor, and sonographer said everything was perfect! woohoo!

10 days later, we had our first bloodwork to check HCG levels. boom! positive! of course, 48 hours later we went back to make sure the levels doubled and they did! boom! one step closer!

nearly two weeks later, we went in for our first ultrasound. boom! baby t was on the screen with a beautiful little flickering heartbeat. We cried, literally all of us but then I noted that the heart beat was right at 100bpm which I knew seemed kinda low for a 6-weeker. we talked to Dr. H who didn’t seem super concerned but also talked to us about all options that we were looking at ahead.

we went back a week later and heartbeat had caught up but baby was measuring a week behind. I thought, here we go again – I know where this leads. Dr. H was a little more concerned but did say this early, baby could catch up but again, talked through realistic options we might need to prepare for. she knows I want to be hopeful but at this point, I’m very realistic. and jaded.

one week later, the worst news. again. for the 4th time. we made it 9 weeks but.

no heartbeat.

I couldn’t even look at Dr. H when she was telling our carrier how to prepare for a miscarriage. She had never had one before. y’all. I felt more for her during that moment than myself. we cried. and cried. and cried.

our options? wait for it to happen naturally, take a medication (cytotec) to initiate the process, or a d&c (surgery). I told her I would support whatever she wanted to do and she chose to let it happen naturally.

we waited and waited for it to happen. I remember her texting me that she thought everything was starting and my stomach sank. it was my baby boy she was losing but I knew exactly what she would feel. exactly what she would see. and my heart just hurt for her. my heart hurt for me. my heart hurt for all of us.

y’all I’m telling y’all. I love her. and I do want to introduce her to everyone soon. but she is absolutely amazing. she wants this so bad for us. and what she has put her body through to help us? I am so thankful for her. and her family. and her heart. and her strength.

we aren’t done with this journey but I’m hanging on by a thread most days. I don’t know where the strength to get up everyday comes from but He gives it to me.

next up? we started 2025 with another transfer……